Counseling for Couples
If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. — African Proverb.
This space is dedicated to Counseling for couples.
“There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring the wedding ring, and the suffering”, Woody Allen. The quote holds some truth, and it’s not all bad. Actually, it’s pretty normal nowadays to see this kind of thing happening in important relationships, like romantic ones, groups, or even in whole countries.
A researcher and psychologist named Bruce Tuckman talked about four stages in how groups grow. He called it the “formation, reflection, normalization, and performance model.” Tuckman said these four steps are both necessary and bound to happen for a team to get better: facing challenges, dealing with problems, finding solutions, making plans, and getting results. The end result is a more together and sure-of-itself group, whether it’s a family, a company, or a sports team. This model also works for couples, showing up whenever the pair goes through big moments, life changes, or tough times.
Therapy
Most couples typically initiate therapy during the “suffering or storm” phase. If you find yourself reading this, it’s likely that you’ve crossed a crucial threshold in your distress, yet retain hope for a healthy, happy relationship with your partner.
In the face of suffering, two options emerge: seeking comfort or seeking growth. The default choice often leans towards the former. Couples employing this strategy tend to resort to escape, projection, blame, demands, avoidance, withdrawal, control, arguments, and pleas in an attempt to find a comfort zone and evade suffering. Paradoxically, these strategies seldom prove effective and, instead, tend to exacerbate the very suffering the couple is trying to escape.
The pain within your relationship operates as a real-time feedback loop, akin to a mirror reflecting the realization that your current way of being in the relationship no longer serves either you or the relationship. Regardless of whether you perceive yourself as the offended or the offender, this juncture presents an opportunity for growth.
Choosing to seek consultation signifies opting for growth over comfort. If you’re prepared to embark on this journey, here’s a preview of what you can expect.
My Job:
As a couple’s therapist, my job is to create a safe container to hold the dignity of each partner; structure communication; facilitate understanding of self and other; offer insights; and challenge assumptions. I use a myriad of therapeutic techniques including, Emotional Focused Couples Therapy; Intimacy Therapy; Enneagram Personality Assessment; Internal Family Systems; reflection on personality patterns affecting the relationship; mindfulness and a sprinkling of humor.
Your Job:
Be committed to growth even when it gets uncomfortable.
Lean into your best self.
Be patient with yourself and each other.
Be willing to challenge your assumptions.
Show up!